


Captain Lonely Hearts and the Great Pear-Juggling Plan

by Selden



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, F/M, Implied/Background Relationships - Freeform, M/M, Rey: character not appearing in this fic, Spoiler: she explodes the pear, Spoiler: she is nevertheless kinda charmed, Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-20 19:53:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13724817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selden/pseuds/Selden
Summary: SCREW YOUI’M GOING TO JUGGLE A PEARAND SHE’S GOING TO FIND IT REALLY CHARMING





	Captain Lonely Hearts and the Great Pear-Juggling Plan

**Author's Note:**

  * For [syrupwit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/syrupwit/gifts).



> Syrupwit, I couldn't resist your prompt's heavy emphasis on pear-levitation. I hope you don't mind the background Finn/Poe...

 

CAPTAIN <3: Hi there, galaxy! This is your favourite pilot on the spaceways of ROMANCE, here to bring another voyager through the asteroid belt of AWKWARD FUMBLINGS into the safe harbour of … well, this week, we’re aiming for a FIRST DATE, I think.

Before we get started, here’s our regular disclaimer: this is a live chat on 90% clapped-out holonet transmitters, so we can’t absolutely guarantee a clear signal. We’ll try our best to avoid a repeat of last month’s interruptions, but bear with us if we have to wind things up unexpectedly, okay?

Now, last week we heard from a Gungan who wasn’t feeling the spark so much – hope things are looking a little brighter now, buddy! This week, we’ve got a guest with a quite different set of problems – let’s all give a big imaginary hand to K. O., our latest correspondent! Hope your typing appendages are feeling limber, K. O.!

KO: They’re fine.

CAPTAIN <3: Well. Thanks for that assurance! So, tell me, do you live up to your moniker, K. O.?

KO: Excuse me?

CAPTAIN <3: Are you a regular knockout? ;)

KO: …

CAPTAIN <3: Ok, ok. My silent co-pilot is giving me the stink-eye, which usually signals that this ship is heading off-course. Of course, nobody has to be a knockout to find TRUE LOVE, GREAT SEX, or whatever rocks your pleasure craft!

KO: This username

KO: It means I've been thinking about some things.

KO: About the past.

KO: This was a mistake. I’m signing off.

CAPTAIN <3: Wait, wait! Hey, buddy. We got off on the wrong foot here, obviously. But I really think I can help you with your romantic road-bump, ok? And, frankly, from how you laid things out in your initial communication, you need all the help you can get.

KO: DON’T CALL ME BUDDY.

CAPTAIN <3: … understood.

KO: I’M ONLY DOING THIS BECAUSE SHE’S WORTH IT.

CAPTAIN <3: See, that’s the spirit! Now, how about you lay things out for our readers?

KO: SHE’S THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULD EVER UNDERSTAND ME.

CAPTAIN <3: Great, great. Say, how about you give the capslock a r

KO: SHE’S THE MOST GLORIOUS THING IN THE ENTIRE GALAXY. TOGETHER, WE WOULD BE TRuly great.

CAPTAIN <3: That’s awesome, bro! And thanks for dialling that capslock back, my eyes were bleeding just a little. So, how did you and this glorious individual first meet?

KO: DON’T CALL ME BRO.

KO: IT WAS DESTINY.

CAPTAIN <3: Right! ok. OK. And from what you said before, she’s been blowing kind of hot and cold?

KO: SHE CAME a long way to see me.

CAPTAIN <3: And you felt like you really connected, right?

KO: Then she left.

KO: SHE SLAMMED THE DOOR IN MY FACE.

CAPTAIN <3: Whoa. Ok, back up. Seems like we skipped a few steps there. Little detail, please?

KO: WE HAD DIFFERING PHILOSOPHIES.

CAPTAIN <3: ???

KO: SHE WAS AFRAID TO EMBRACE HER TRUE POTENTIAL.

CAPTAIN <3: ????

KO: She was really nice to me.

KO: AND THEN SHE SLAMMED THE DOOR IN MY FACE.

CAPTAIN <3: OK! TIME OUT. Let’s try a different angle of approach. We’ve heard a bit about what this person did for you. What about what you did for her?

KO: I SHOWED HER THE TRUTH.

CAPTAIN <3: Right. Bring it down a notch, ok, b-guy? What about something small? Everyday? You ever buy her flowers? Do the washing-up? Do that weird clicking thing, if you happen to be a Fenion?

CAPTAIN <3: No offense, Fenions. That clicking thing is probably real charming, if you’re into that.

KO: DON’T CALL ME B-GUY.

KO: THAT’S NOT EVEN A THING PEOPLE SAY.

KO: I taught her about

KO: about a skill we both share

KO: I could have showed her so much more

CAPTAIN <3: What skill?

KO: It doesn’t matter.

CAPTAIN <3: Give me a clue. What was it - something like, idk, juggling???

KO: NO.

KO: ...

KO: SOMEWHAT.

KO: ALSO, ABBREVIATIONS ARE THE SIGN OF A LAZY MIND.

CAPTAIN <3: Riiiight.

CAPTAIN <3: Ok, so. What I’m talking about is the kind of gesture which would make her _life_ better.

CAPTAIN <3: I mean, did she _want_ to learn juggling?

KO: IT’S NOT ACTUALLY JUGGLING.

CAPTAIN <3: Ok. Example time!

CAPTAIN <3: So, a while back I was feeling pretty fucking down about my role in the universe and so forth. I’d fucked up royally, as it happens.

CAPTAIN <3: Not a ‘ordered the wrong colour cake’ level fuck-up. One with a body count.

CAPTAIN <3: So I was wallowing, right? Not in a good place. When my silent co-pilot here says that what he needs right now is for me to bring some love to the galaxy

Co-Pilot <3: actually I said you should bring love TO MY PANTS

Co-Pilot <3: wait no. Forget I said that!

Co-Pilot <3: love TO THE GALAXY. That’s it!

Co-Pilot <3: that’s the one.

Co-Pilot <3: this is why I’m the silent co-pilot

CAPTAIN <3: Well, I mean, I _started_ with your pants.  <3

Co-Pilot <3: <3<3<3

KO: THIS IS IRRELEVANT

CAPTAIN <3: FINE. Fine. So, he showed me how I could make a difference to him, and one thing led to another, and before I knew it I was hosting this wildly popular public advice forum!

CAPTAIN <3: Spreading love … ACROSS THE GALAXY.

Co-Pilot <3: oh, man

KO: My thoughts exactly.

KO: I mean, my thoughts exactly, PEON.

CAPTAIN <3: Did you just call my guy a peon??

KO: Yes.

CAPTAIN <3: Dick.

KO: DON’T CALL ME A DICK.

CAPTAIN <3: Whatever. Look, say you were going to do something nice for this woman

Co-Pilot <3: like stay far away from her, _dickwad_.

CAPTAIN <3: Well, yeah. But just in theory, what would you start with?

CAPTAIN <3: I mean, would you show her a really cool juggling trick, or what?

KO: DON’T CALL ME DICKWAD.

KO: Also, it IS NOT REALLY JUGGLING.

KO: …

KO: What kind of ‘cool juggling trick’?

CAPTAIN <3: I don’t know! Juggle … something she’d like?

CAPTAIN <3: I mean, seriously. Forget about juggling. You’re trying to make this person happy. Where do you start?

KO: I asked my subordinate and he said I should take her out on a romantic evening with candles and roses. I knew he was joking. I did not appreciate it.

CAPTAIN <3: ok…

KO: He suffered.

CAPTAIN <3: Suffered?!

K: I REBUKED HIM.

CAPTAIN <3: ???!?!?

CAPTAIN <3: Dude, I’ve gotta tell you, none of what you are saying is making me think you’re even half-way ready to be in romantic relationship right now.

CAPTAIN <3: I mean, ‘rebuked him’?! What does that mean? It sounds ominous, gotta tell you that much.

KO: DON’T CALL ME DUDE.

KO: He had it coming.

CAPTAIN <3: Seriously. Just take a couple of steps back and reassess your whole approach to … everything, ok?

CAPTAIN <3 _: Then_ maybe you can think about asking this girl out on a date.

CAPTAIN <3: Flowers and a nice meal would actually be a good start!

KO: …

KO: …

KO: I’m going to try the ‘juggling’ thing.

KO: I think she might like fruit.

KO: She didn’t have much fruit growing up.

KO: It would be a nice gesture.

CAPTAIN <3: ?? did you hear anything I just said???

KO: Thank you for your input, Captain Lonely Hearts.

KO: You’ve actually been almost helpful.

KO: I’m going to start with a pear.

KO: Because I think she might explode the first few.

KO: Pears are readily replaceable.

CAPTAIN <3: EXPLODE??!?

CAPTAIN <3: ok, I don’t even want to know. Consider the official Captain Lonely Hearts seal of approval NOT BESTOWED.

KO: SCREW YOU

KO: I’M GOING TO JUGGLE A PEAR

KO: AND SHE’S GOING TO FIND IT REALLY CHARMING

 

<TRANSMISSION TERMINATED>

 

CAPTAIN <3: …

CAPTAIN <3: …

Co-Pilot <3: And on that note, folks, that’s a wrap! Join us next week for a hopefully less eventful episode of CAPTAIN LONELY HEARTS!

CAPTAIN <3: That guy was a fucking nutcase, amiright?

CAPTAIN <3: Wait, are we still live?

 

<TRANSMISSION TERMINATED>

 

 


End file.
